"Being a professional fly fishing guide and fly tyer, combined with a green conscious, guarantees your place in those blessed rivers of the ever after.." -Bruce Lee

SALMON FLIES……Messing with materials (or how to get yourself arrested re-entering the country)

The Red Breasted Blue Throated Pointy Beaked Speckled Back Bird is mostly extinct everywhere except captivity where it flourishes behind electrical fences protected by armed guards..

NOW, now,  it is not like everyone isn’t aware of the need to protect all wildlife species from extinction…with the exception of “Girls gone wild” videos..those can go away !….(my wifes watching…SSHhhhhhh..)

I think it might be a little ridiculous to stop me from entering my own country with a farm raised Jungle Cock however..

MAYBE it was the derogative term used to describe a ROOSTER that got them all stirred up..uh..maybe..?

who knows..WHO cares..c’mon its a bird raised in captivity…I didnt hunt it down and shoot it….I didn’t even meet the bird before it’s demise…I DON”T even know his real name…

He's a Rooster...Thats all...

It’s all about the lacquered nails..Feathers from his neck…..THATS NOT TRUE,  it is all about the fact that humans are hard on wildlife populations world-wide….

I FEEL as though I should apologize to the folks at security though..I mean how was I supposed to know the Haitian security lady would be totally freaked out about the Rooster feet when she was feeling through the suitcase with her hands……SCREAMED like I have never heard before…! WOW …LOUD  and hoppy…

OK…. so what defines the legal not legal, OK not OK,  jail time cavity search without drinks kind of smuggling…?

Well heres the scoop man, It’s this simple…AMERICA has decided that if it’s on the CITES list..even if it is domestically raised..(named, fed and loved by children so they can get school credit and win ribbons at the fair before killing and skinning the poor thing) The critter is still considered ILLEGAL..wrongo..sick bird…

What about the skin of the Great Argus I paid $1500.00 for that was shipped in a cardboard box, from all the way around the world, with no friggen PROTECTION…HUH.? NO BUBBLE wrap or shredded news paper or popcorn foam.. what about that ?…Right to my door no questions asked delivered by UPS no tip involved no searching of my undies no groping of my..well..some parts of the air port customs search were ok I guess….

OH SURE there are reasons for these rules and regulations..reasons for the whole mess to be goverened..I mean that’s why there isn’t a bunch of WILD BIRDS running around harassing the natives….They Ate Them..! or we CIVILIZED FOLKS paid good money to have the locals hunt them to extinction so we could have our Copacabana Girls cover their TA-TA’s with pretty damn nice salmon fly materials…Why couldn’t they use Dyed White Turkey…huh??? whats wrong wit dat..? some simple MARRIED WING material…..

DID I just say “Simple” and “Married” in the same sentence..? since when do those two words go together..shoot for that matter when have those two words ever gone together..Salmon Flies er not….

SOOOO…. incase you don’t know how this works, one must first take the fibers from one feather and match them to the fibers of another feather from the same side of a different bird..maybe an entirely different breed of bird, yet the feather must be from the same, Left and Right..get it..?

Ok don’t get pissy…

Any way then you must redirect the fibers of the near wing..or the far wing..?..crap !,  See that’s the thing… Any way then you must gently stroke the feathers “MARRYING” them together..Like the way you got your first spouse, and if you are not doing this correctly all falls apart…done correctly you will live happily ever after and have many children and riches beyond imagination..

Even Better you may never have to experience the nasty divorce if you keep the winging materials simple and don’t start getting greedy ..

Sure they look cool unless you're looking at them in a book while in prison

There ARE those materials that ARE easy to find and raise and wont get me thrown in a Taiwanese mini prison where I have to become the king of Kung Pao just to survive….But whats the challenge in that…?

Some other twisted insight from a bird farming feather dyeing pheasant cross breeding fly tyer…If it says protected in the USA it means the USA considers it protected GLOBALLY…

This means that just because they say it’s cool in Mexico City when you get off the plane from Peru doesn’t mean the customs agents in Brownsville Texas searching the tires of your rented truck will agree….

Suppose there is three security agents at the back door to the customs storage facility at ..ummm…lets say, uh..Key West…Just as an example…

So , ok , these guys are armed to the teeth because they are guarding Castro’s Coke seized the day before from a banana boat full of Cuban Bone fishermen….

SOMEHOW…?  Somehow your speckled belly bastard twilight Golden Stork skin was on that boat…and now it’s with the Coke..

Should you go ahead and purchase heavy artillery from the local Pawn Shop and force your way in under heavy fire..? OR maybe tell them you don’t know anything about the coke you just want your damn Golden Stork and you will go away peacefully…? OR should you be trying to remember if you washed your prints from everything in the boat after helping load the goods so “they” would “sneak” your funky feathers in for you…?

And so the story goes folks…can’t live with them and can’t smuggle them in…

So the best thing I have found is to buy lottery tickets and pray for the demise of all animal rights activists in the hopes that someday I will be free to pluck whatever dang feather I want from where ever I want to do the Plucking……and I’ll have the cash to do it !

OK that’s not the end of the story….

I grew these, no you can't have any.....

There is, and this parts important so do try to pay attention,  A serious need for nice clean healthy long fibers from white turkey tail feathers….when I say healthy I mean there should be no fault bars and the tips should be thin and the hooks-n-hairs plentiful, there should be no curl to the feather and as little bend as possible to the stem, and to get such feathers one must be very intimate with ones turkey….

SICK..! Now that’s just sick…. you should move to Oroville California if you are going to think that way…

When I say “Intimate”, I mean you will need to know exactly how much protein and fat that turkey consumes and you will have to stay consistent. Water as well, exercise and education are important also…there can’t be any cooped up stressed out birds because they will eventually pluck themselves bald like a screwed up middle-aged man who cares more about feathers than his past due electrical bill he can never get paid as he drinks heavily from the cooking sherry and sits naked on a folding chair typing on his computer…..

UH…So, ya…anyway,   there is direct correlation between nutrition and the desirable quality of feathers used to Dress Salmon flies…so feed yer birds instead of eating yer birds and you will be awarded with showers of gifts from heaven…or feed bills from the local Farm-n Ranch store and a lot of turkey poop..A LOT of turkey poop…works wonders in a garden though…..

Low grade Dyed "Not very Black" Turkey Feathers

OH I know,  it’s hard for you to leave this captivating literature feeling full of contempt for the law and the rules and the regulations….be still my brave soldiers of the turkey band of brothers and followers of the lord of the flies and stuff…

I promise to return with more things to jabber about later……


2 Responses to “SALMON FLIES……Messing with materials (or how to get yourself arrested re-entering the country)”


  2. It’s great.

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